Physical Representations

I was watching this psychology show the other day dealing with communication. There was this couple that was on the brink of divorce because all they did was yell at each other. One of the things the psychologist did was make them write down issues they needed to discuss on a piece of paper and discuss each of them calmly until they came up with a solution. Then once it was resolved, they had to rip up the paper and never talk about it again.

I was thinking about how people so often need a physical representation to fully accept change. Like being baptized. That is a physical representation of your new life with Christ. Or the couple with the ripped up paper representing the end of that discussion. I, myself have needed a physical representation to let go of something or to accept a change in my life.

My question…

Why is it that people need a physical representation to get past their struggles or fully accept the change in their lives or situations??



I’m cutting my hair off…
I need a change.

Missing you

Things are going well here.
I have been missing a lot of people lately.
It's so hard not being able to see them everyday.

I didn't realize just how much I miss certain people until I started seeing them everywhere. I thought I heard Catie laugh in Starbucks a few days ago. I turned around and it definitly wasn't her. I thought I saw Lynnie in a car next to me at a red light until the lady turned around...not her again. And the weirdest one was there was a guy riding a bike down the sidewalk with a windmill hat on and I could have sworn it was Dave Hasz. Ridiculious huh? Could you even imagine him wearing a windmill hat?? haha

I thought I was going crazy (honestly maybe I am) but I think it's just me missing these people so much. It's weird, some (Mr. Hasz) I didn't even realize I missed that much. But it's pretty obvious I do. Even though it's been 7 months, I'm still having a hard time getting readjusted to life at home. Things aren't even close to being the same as when I left. It's like starting over completely but not really having anywhere to start.

I have things to do to fill my time... 2 jobs, Young Life, school...but its hard to find those kind of people to share it with. I have yet to find anyone at home that is remotely like my friends at the Honor Academy. I hate to put them in that category but its hard not to when everyone I meet is so different. I spend more time defending what I did at the Honor Academy, what I believe, how I act, etc. than anything else. I guess I'm just tired spiritually. And with no one here for me to talk to (really talk to), laugh with and just let my guards down and be myself with...it tends to drain me.

I need a friend that understands me completely. That I can hang out with and not feel uncomfortable. Someone that will keep me accountable and I can keep accountable. Just someone to laugh with. I want to be happy. I try really hard to be happy but it's so hard trying to do it alone. I will keep my trust in God and believe that He is leading me in the direction He wants me to go. At this point, that's all I can do.

I believe!

A few weeks ago I went to New York City with my friend Rachel. Being that I am from a small, po-dunk town in Oklahoma, this was quite an exciting adventure. I love city life! I would love to be right in the middle of the fast-pace lifestyle where there is constantly something going on at every corner, where people take taxies or walk everywhere they go. So fun!

Believe it or not, out of everything we saw and experienced, I would have to say one of my favorite things was the Rockefeller Center. I know, it sounds strange. Honestly, the only reason we went was because my mom said it would be a good experience. I wasn't convinced. The only thing I knew about John D. Rockefeller was that he was some Oil Tycoon that made lots and lots of money and eventually owned like, most of NYC.

But when we got there, to my suprise, I ended up being more impressed with the man thanI had origionally expected. Right in front of the huge building was a plaque inscripted with his beliefs:

I believe in the supreme with of the individual and in his right tolife, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that every rightimplies a responsibility, every opportunity, an obligation; everypossession a duty.I believe that the law was made for man and not man for the law; thatgovernment is the servant of the people and not their master.

I believe in the dignity of labor, whether with head or hand; that heworld owes no man a living but it owes every man an opportunity tomake a living.

I believe that thrift is essential to well-ordered living and thateconomy is a prime request of a sound financial structure, whether ingovernment, business or personal affairs.

I believe in the sacredness of a promise, that a man's word should beas good as his bond; that character-not wealth or power or position-is of supreme worth.

I believe that the rendering of useful service is the common duty ofmankind and that only in the purifying fire of sacrifice is the dross(waste matter) of selfishness consumed and the greatness of the humansoul set free.

I believe in all-wise-and all-loving God, named by whatever name, andthat the individuals highest fulfillment, greatest happiness, andwidest usefulness are to be found in living in harmony with His will.

I believe that love is the greatest thing in the world; that it alone can overcome hate; that right can and will triumph over might.”

After reading this, I thought to myself "self, this man is deeper than some cut throat business tycoon, he is obviously a christian." It was obvious to me. Nothing on this plaque is origional and anyone that has read the Bible knows that, but as I looked around at the other people reading the plaque I realized that not one person around me was of the christian faith. I struck up a conversation with the muslim man next to me. I asked him what he thought of the plaque and he said that they are very bold statements and someone in his country would be arrested for such statements. I asked him what he thought if his beliefs (particularly the "all-wise-and-loving-God" part) and he said that he believes he is a strong man and he believes in God, just not like Christians do. "Poor Chirsitans are decieved" he said. We talked a little and bounced off our beliefs and ideas and the reasoning behind them. In the end, nothing really happened (meaning I didn't pray with him and baptize him in the fountain or anything..haha) but I hope if anything I planted a seed. And without this plaque, I would have never had the opportunity. Like I said, I don't know much about John D. Rockefeller and his life, but I respect him because if anything, he left something behind that will plant seeds in the hearts of people around the world that come to see his amazing accomplishments. Reading that plaque inspired me to want to live like that and it gave me an awesome opportunity.

It's so hard to see what's right before my eyes

I have this problem...people tell me its pretty common but that isn't good enough for me. I don't want to be common. For about 7 months now, I have had the hardest time trusting God. I can't seem to trust him with anything! It's extrememly frustrating. I want to trust him but I catch myself pulling back like he can't be trusted or if I do then I will get hurt. Still time and time again, he continues to be faithful...even when I'm not.

I just recently visited a friend in North Carolina and we traveled up the East Coast. It was quite an adventure and something I will never forget. We didn't do a whole lot of planning, we just kind of left. So many times during our trip God showed up and provided for us in ways only he could do. The things that happened were at the most random times coming from the most random people but I found that by the end of the trip I had no problem trusting that no matter what happened, God would have our backs. It was exciting to have conversations like:
"where are we going to stay tonight?"
"I dont know"
(2 hours later)
"Hey this lady gave me a free hotel room for us to stay tonight"
"What?!?!"
It was so amazing I almost couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next! My whole point to this is that trusting God and seeing it happen right before my eyes was the most amazing and comforting thing I have ever experienced. So you would think that after something like that I would have no problem trusting him with the rest of my life. But I am learning that for some reason it comes and goes. I want to...but I can't let go.
That frustrates me beyond belief! He is right in front of me saying "I have what you are looking for, just trust me" and I run away scared everytime. I used to not be like this...and I don't really know how to get out of it. I want to be able to jump and not think about it. All I know is that somethings got to change.

Alone with my thoughts...not a bad place to be.

So I'm just learning about this whole blogging thing ( I know its sad) and I decided I needed something else to be used as a release of the inner workings of my being...besides, its a good time filler when I'm trying to kill time. I know that is terrible to actually try to kill time instead of using it to the fullest...but unfortunately with my current job, that is all I am left to do. I'm sure this one will be read by strangers if anyone. I don't mind so much about that. Besides, it will probably just end up being something I write on that no one looks at. I wouldnt mind so much about that either. So here we go...here's my first blog.

anyone reading...have fun.

Michelle